Facial hair has always been a contentious issue, at one moment the fashion tip of choice from fighter pilots to Jesus, then the next moment so hideously off the pace that you only grew them for charity or if your religion demanded it. In the last few years, however, the old face fungus has never been more popular. Everyone from Gary Barlow to Abu Qatada is now sporting a chin stroker and to devastating effect as well. So, out of respect for the great and good who celebrated growing stuff on their face at the Beard and Moustache World Championships every other year, we’ve drawn up the list of jobs where facial hair isn’t just desirable, it’s a prerequisite.
The new found coolness of a beard will sit uncomfortably with the Folk people as it’s a scene so dedicated to looking odd its members will struggle with the feeling of belonging to the rest of the world. The autumnal shades of their clothes may vary, they’ll probably never agree on just what makes the perfect bean stew or the best place to get their disgusting sandals repaired but one thing unites the whole musty bunch: a beard.
Some revisionists and others who seem convinced that Adam and Eve didn’t conceive the baby Jesus in a garden, have argued as to the exact appearance of The Saviour. Plenty of these radicals have opted to suggest that Jesus was in fact a black lesbian. You only have to look at any stained glass window in any village, town or city in the UK to see that he was a sharp young blade in his twenties with luxuriant hair and a really great beard, pretty much like the fifth member of Kings of Leon.
War is a nasty business and no amount of facial hair can overcome the horrors of conflict. However, there is an unwritten rule that if your theatre of combat is to be in the air then a nice soup strainer will almost certainly see you elevated to Godlike status. No self respecting Battle of Britain pilot would leave the airfields without a finely groomed moustache. So, if you find yourself in a dogfight and catch a glimpse view of a bristling moustache on your tail, it’s probably time to eject.
Now not all dictators have some of the old face fungus but those that do are infinitely more evil than those without. Hitler, Stalin and Sadam Hussein all rocked a moustache and were some of the most dementedly evil people ever to walk the planet. Beards tend to be worn by the second tier of dictators and those with slightly lower body counts. Gadaffi, Mr Bin Laden and Lenin all sported beards whilst running their operations with a vice like grip.
It seems slightly incongruous to think that some of our greatest lovers have packed a great big beard with bits stuck in it but that’s the harsh reality. It’s clear to see that despite grooming companies encouraging us to become more attractive by shaving, the opposite is true. Rasputin had the biggest beard in Russia and so many notches on his bedpost there was virtually nothing left. Bearded Russell Brand has had to give up comedy in order to make time for the perma queue of young ladies.
It wasn’t that long ago, allegedly, when no self respecting adult actor would take to the screen without the adornment of a nice ‘tache’. There doesn’t seem to be any distinct reason for this other than they probably thought they looked the business and when your daily ‘grind’ involves nonstop love making, you try telling them they’ve got it wrong.
Obviously back in the day there were no razors so beards just sort of happened, but there are no greater exponents of the beard than Jesus’s entourage of homeboys and story tellers. It was virtually impossible to be taken seriously by The Lord unless you had a face full of fur. The disciple uniform of robes and beard makes all the disciples completely indistinguishable so just like Coldplay everyone knows who the front man is but even after 2000 years nobody has a clue who the others are.
French Foreign Legion Sappers
For anyone unfamiliar with this term it means an assault engineer usually responsible for light engineering tasks and mine clearing. Now for some reason and nobody knows what it is, you can only become a sapper in the FFL if you grow a massive beard. This is made doubly strange in that nearly every other soldier in the world must shave every day due to the beard getting stuck in your weapon when you fire it.
There are 3 things you can guarantee about a wizard; a pointy hat, sleeves that get wider as they reach the hand and a beard. If you haven’t got a kick ass white flowing beard, it doesn’t matter how big your spell book is, nobody is buying you as a wizard.
The Beards – a.k.a Rock stars
I bet some for you are wondering who “the beards” are. Well these delightful chaps are at the forefront of beard propaganda – A rock band from Australia that specialise in songs about, yes, you guessed it, Beards – with tracks like “You should consider having sex with a bearded man” and “If your dads hasn’t got a beard, you’ve got two mums”. You may have also guessed that they all carry a perfect chin coat, because lets face it, no one take’s rock stars seriously if they haven’t got one.